So much has happened over the past few months, even thou I feel like I haven’t achieved anything at all.
Having chronic fatigue and having to deal with chemotherapy are not a mixture I’d wish for anyone. I feel I would not be the same if I didn’t have all the love and support that surrounds me every day. Thou isolating is lonely, it’s feeling left out, it’s spirit breaking. At the same time, I still have not had Covid and I have only had to fight the symptoms caused by my treatments. Somehow my stubbornness is my best feature in fighting this cancer because I am a person that feels that if you put your heart into it, you can do anything. I am not a person that ever feels “I can’t” when it comes to most things. And when I start to feel the threat of “I can’t” come along, I am not a person you want to be around when my Aries horns start to appear.
Today I am hooked up to my 8th treatment of 12 of this second chemotherapy I am currently on. I had a meeting with my oncologist before starting and learned a bit more about the genetics testing I will be doing to help protect my future and possible family members that it could affect. I also learned a bit about what radiotherapy will entail and came to realisation that I still need to surrender and accept that even when chemotherapy finishes, this is not over yet. I am still not in the clear and until told otherwise, my life is not going to back to what it was like before I had my triple test and diagnosis. How I will return to work and when is still unknown.
The anxiety I get time to time about what I should do about returning to work haunts me. Being someone that values consistency and has always lived around my work routine, it has been quite hard to shed those old habits. But I do have to say I have come a long way from the person that used to say “I’ll rest when I’m dead.” Since the fatigue has it’s hold on me and my body has had significant changes happen while a chemical is being constantly pumped into it, I have learned how to slow down and take everything day by day. I haven’t worried about next week, next month, six months from now, or even next year. If anything, I am only looking at my timeline as come April, I will be finishing chemotherapy and at some stage I will then begin radiotherapy. Some time after that, I should be getting my breast reduction/reconstruction if all goes to plan.
In this time I have had away from my 22 year career, I have learned how to loom weave, made essential oil bath soaks, studied and put energy into my “green witch” routine, designed and made two different soft enamel pins, created my very first postcard, opened my Etsy shop, made a Patreon where I focus on projects exclusively shared to my supporters, had custom packaging goodies made for orders, got my art studio finally built, started painting again, and have found out a little bit more about who I truly am as a versatile artist and what I want to offer my future.
I feel lucky. I feel loved. I feel blessed. I have only wanted to help and protect humans and animals, but the downfall is I never learned how to do the same for myself. It sucks that it took a neck injury for me to start finding myself and cancer for me to truly have the time to use the tools that have been given to me. But I do believe that all things happen when they are supposed to and that we have to sacrifice in order to gain. I am still excited to meet the person I will be when I am at the end of this breast cancer battle. I feel strong, I feel fierce, and I feel that this, too, will pass.
Thank you to everyone that still checks in and reads my words. I am proud of Wolf & Rosehip and my metamorphosis. This is only the beginning.
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